Saw the following image in facebook.
English Translation – “You selected your wife. While your mom is a gift from God. Don’t lose that treasure for the sake of someone you liked/loved and selected.”
What is your thought on seeing this?
My household feelings,
Husband : neutral
Mine : Rage
A dear friend passed away last week after battling with cancer for 6 1/2 years! I am sad! But that no one could control! But Bomb blast in Mumbai, Bombing and shooting in Norway, Famine in Somalia and children are dying by the 1000s but the militants won’t let the United Nations deliver food because they think there is no famine! Why do we do this to ourselves? Why? How am I living my life as if everything is hunky dory!!
Reminder to self: Slap tight, the next time I complain about anything!!
This is a guest post by Yaadayaada’s husband! This post is not moderated or seen by yaadayaada as yet!!
This one is for you yaada yaada!! I will always love and support you.
I have been reading some of the blogs posted as a part of CSA Awareness month. So I thought I will write my first blog as a means
of expressing my support and solidarity for this cause and also as the smallest possible thing I can give my wife yaadayaada who
has been a victim of this.
As a kid I have been completely impervious and fortunately away from such monstrosity!! These people who dare do such acts of
depravity are not human beings. Even animals do not stoop down to such levels. So there is no place in the living world for such
creatures!
Unfortunately I am not as tolerant and I can’t turn a blind eye to this. So I often argue with yaadayaada that she should confront
the person who dared to abuse her! But I respect her decision and her argument that it should be the abuser who should be
ashamed and feel bad about it.
I am the kind of person who sees a lot of things in black and white. I know the real world is not that way. But I still feel that it will
give me a closure if I can confront such horrible people. Granted they most likely will not face it or accept it. But if I feel it gives me
a closure, I will not hesitate to do this. This does not work for every person who is abused and they will have to deal with it the way
they feel right.
I dont want to talk about what we can do to prevent it, as I feel there are lots of people here who have given multiple opinions on
that matter and I completely agree with all of them. I don’t think I can add anything more in this aspect.
All I want to say is, I cannot describe the feeling of disgust I have for such folks! I have always felt so damn helpless when we
(yaadayaada and I) talk about this topic. I feel that we can never come to conclusion on what can be done to prevent or to confront
people who do this (especially when the people who do such things are in your trusted circle). I would treat them (left to me) no
different than a person who would have been a stranger in this case. All I can do is to listen to her(yaadayaada) and feel bad and
sorry for the fact that she had to go through it.
So husbands or spouses, please be supportive to all folks who have been victims and give them their space so that they can deal
with it the way they feel best. This is the least that we can do for our loved ones.
Always, be on the lookout for suspicious activity even if it is not your own child or kid. Hopefully we can at least make such devils think
that they are alway being watched. If it was left to me I will create a bulletin board and put the photographs of every such monster
and publish it for the world to see and criticize. This applies to friends and family as well, not just strangers who do this. In my
opinion, if a person can stoop down to such level, they cease to be friend or a family to me. I don’t even want to be unknowingly
talking and socializing with them.
My heart felt sympathies to all those who had to go through this. I cannot even begin to describe my feelings against such lowly
souls of the society! If there is anything at all I can do to help this awareness spread I will be more than happy to give a helping
hand.
Thanks to whoever started this and to all the folks who have taken the time to write their opinions on this topic.
Vijay
A bunch of questions come to my mind as soon as I came to know about CSAA blogathon. Some of the questions were directed to me and some of them stemmed from my mind. So I am going to start listing the questions with my answers.
1. Am I a CSAA survivor?
* Yes I am.
2. How do Ideal with it? How has it changed me?
* Tell my self almost every day that it is not my fault. I shouldn’t feel bad for a sec since the person who should feel bad is the abuser and not me. I tell myself that I refuse to feel bad since I am not the one to blame. My parents, guardians, the abusers are to be blamed. Not me. Is it easy? No. But I try my level best not to be a victim. I watch my nieces, friend’s kids like a hawk when they are around adults. Don’t trust any adult. Well, don’t blame me for that. Blame my abuser.
3. As a non-parent and a CSA survivor, what is my advice to parents/guardians?
* Be aware. Don’t take CSA lightly. Don’t trust blindly. Please talk to your children about what is safe and what is not. Make sure you make the other parents around you aware of CSA.
* As children who grew up in India, most of us have endured, the groping, staring, flashed, pinched, spanked while in buses,bicycles, streets, etc. They do have an impact in a child’s life, but that is nothing compared to being abused by a trusted friend, uncle, parent, grandparent etc.
* Public sexual abuse – it is easier for a parent to take actions. It can be prevented or handled by escorting the kids, talking to them about public safety, empowering them to be vocal about it when they are being abused in public and also equip them with pepper spray, safety pins and the likes. (As much as it sounds harsh, believe me when I say, safety pins work like a magic in public space.) I say it is easier to handle because it is easier for a human being to attack a stranger much easily than a known devil. Take blogging for example. How many of us are taunted by anonymous trolls?
* Abuse by someone in trusted circle – it is a different beast. It is very confusing even for adults, leave alone the children. Let us first see if we can prevent it. Very difficult to prevent since it is typically someone the parents trust and tell the children that they can trust them. If it is a parent who is abusing, it gets even more complicated. Can a woman be an abuser? Much to the shock of most of us, Yes they can be, although a smaller percentage. It is very difficult to prevent unless you live in a bubble with your children with an assumption you, yourself is not an abuser. So now that preventing is almost out of the question, let us see what we can do? Being aware. Empowering our children to yell, shout, scream, the second they feel uncomfortable. Keeping the communication channel open with our children. Always being very supportive to our children. Never dismiss any of their concerns regarding this issue. Make sure they understand that it is not their fault. Listen, listen, listen!
4. What would like to say to the survivors?
* Hang in there! It is not your fault. It never will be. Take one day at a time. And again, you are not at fault.
5. For everyone else, who wants to give you their 2 cents
* Each person’s experience is different, unless you have gone through what I have, please keep your opinions and suggestions to yourself. You have no right to tell me what to do, how to react. Each person deals with it differently. As long as that person is not harming anyone else, it is the right way for them. So if you have listening ears listen, be supportive and move on. Just because I am a victim, don’t expect me to be a crusader, CSAA advocate. I will do what I want, when I want. If I want to live a normal life and live in denial, that is my choice.
6. What frustrates me the most?
* Parents who are not aware
* Parents who don’t listen to their children
* We have laws to protect animals, but no laws to protect our children from this menace. How shameful! I am not saying if we pass the law, it will prevent this completely, but even if it scares even one abuser away, it is well worth passing it
Boo suggested I get the chairs that S had recently posted in her blog as our anniversary present. I checked out the chairs online and liked it. Found the price from S and was wondering whether I should get them. Then, in the evening, I sent a mail to S asking her if the chairs were available and she promptly replied stating that the chairs were sold to some body else. I was a little disappointed. But what to do, I was not quick enough.
Then next day, I come back from work to hear Chula and Meija of utbt, shrieking excitedly, “Surprise! Here is a gift from Chula, Meija, Ashu and Antu!”. For a split second, I couldn’t believe my eyes and was wondering how utbt found the same chair I was looking for, before my slow brain realized the conspiracy between S, boo and utbt to suprise me. Also kind S had sent a wonderful anniversary gift along with the chairs that she sold to Boo and utbt. Also she was kind enough to drive half way to meet utbt to deliver the chairs. Boo was on the phone conspiring with utbt. utbt had added her special tough with cute cushions for the chair.
Thanks Boo and utbt for the wonderful anniversary present (I know it is also a present for yourself since you both got tired of the beach chair I had in the family room and you guys wanted a comfy chair to sit!). Thanks S for playing along with the surprise and driving half way to deliver. Also thanks for the fragrant gift you had sent! All in all, a wonderful surprise!
Boo suggested I get the chairs that S had recently posted in her blog as an anniversary present. I checked out the chair online and liked it. Found the price from S and was wondering whether I should get it. Then, in the evening, I sent a mail to S asking her if the chair is available and she promptly replied stating that the chair was sold to some body else. I was a little disappointed. But what to do, I was not quick enough.
Then next day, I come back from work to hear Chula and Meija of utbt, shrieking excitedly, “Surprise! Here is a gift from Chula, Meija, Ashu and Antu!”. For a split second, I couldn’t believe my eyes and was wondering how utbt found the same chair I was looking for before my slow brain realized the conspiracy between S, boo and utbt to suprise me. Also kind S had sent a wonderful anniversary gift along with the chairs that she sold to Boo and utbt. Also she was kind enough to drive half way to meet utbt to deliver the chairs. Boo was on the phone conspiring with utbt. utbt had added her special tough with cute cushions for the chair.
Utbt tagged me in her post Facing My Fears. I had to
-List five of my fears.
-Link my post to the person who tagged me
-Link this post with a book.
-Tag five people.
I am going to keep it short since you very well know about my writing skills!
(1) Legs turn into Jelly when standing on top of a sky rise or any tall structure. But I still scale those heights and manage somehow.
(2) Children getting hurt in any way. I fear for them all the time.
(3) Eve-teasing. Even though I put a brave front and confront the offenders most of the time, still cannot avoid that twisted knot in my tummy.
(4) Losing a family member. Actually, the nagging fear in the pit of my stomach keeps warning me to be nice to all of them as long as they are here in this world. I should start listening to it. It is very tough though.
(5) Friends moving away(geographically) – Didn’t know it existed until it started happening.
Darkness, Being alone, Riots, unrest, violence, war…. wow, the list of my fears is endless. So let me stop here.
Linking this post to a book.. Hmm.. Brain! Start working! OK, Children getting hurt immediately brings the book, Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, to my mind.
I am tagging anyone who would like to take this up since I am not sure who all have taken up this tag so far!
p.s. utbt, you can put one of your fears to rest. I took up your tag!
Sitting in the backyard in a warm afternoon, stringing the jasmine blossoms while the husband plucks the 1000s of jasmine blossoms. And the kids from super singer junior kids singing in the background in the laptop. Bliss!! 🙂
Jaadhi Malli
Inspite of the ankle fracture still had loads of fun in Boodom. No matter what Antu was doing, she will stop that and dance/clap whenever she hears one of us sing Brindhavanamum Nandha Kumaranum song or the ABCD song. It was a delight watching her. She saved her special smiles and jumps for her periappa. Ashu was having a ball making me read stories from her new happily ever after book. She kept my creative side of the brain busy by asking me to make up story from any props she might show me (From 2 poodles to bear/jackal to snowwhite/shoes to birdhouse/car). Man, it is tough making up stories. After watching the foolish crow with her for the umpteenth time, now all I hum is Saa sing the sun flower in the crow’s voice that I have. Also both of us loved the Varan Varan Poochandi silly song from youtube as well. Didn’t feel like coming back leaving the kids. Ashu wanted her periappa and periamma to stay every day at her house. Wish we could do that!
Now we are back home and missing them! But the story telling to Ashu is continuing via Skype 🙂
Came to Zurich to visit Ashu and Antu and to give surprise to Boo. It was worth it. Only Boo’s husband knew about my trip. Boo was totally surprised. Ashu was super thrilled. Antu was puzzled seeing the hangama.. It was worth it. The plan was to work from here until the 13th of April and leave from here. The kids are a riot and I am having fun.
Yesterday went to Hiltl for lunch. It was awesome. Then went to a birthday party with Boo and family. The birthday party was at a Kids play area with inflated structures. I jumped from a structure(don’t laugh) and broke my leg. Broke the bone near my ankle. More details about it in my new blog dedicated to my ankle woes.
Came to help Boo on the Easter break for kids. Now she has one more to take care of. Still planning to back to the US on next week. Husband is coming here tomorrow to escort me back next week.
Encountered a small tremor when I was in a meeting 30 minutes back! These small earthquakes are really fun. I still get excited even after encountering these from time to time for the past 11 years. Saw this big band of rainbow a month back on my morning commute and got excited.
These excitements turn to happiness only after I share this with a friend/family. Is it the same for everyone or am I alone here? Everytime I see something cool or encounter anything slightly interesting, I MUST share it with someone. If not it is not complete?
For the earthquake, called and left a message for the other half and waited until he called back. Tried calling Boo, but the call didn’t go through. The other half just called, now it is complete. For the rainbow, called husband and Boo, couldn’t reach them. Finally shared it with sister in law! If I got to a restaurant and like it, must take friends/family there. Until then I don’t rest. And the list goes on…
This and That 